if - I would

If blogging was my only job – 

(I would do it more often and be a lot better at it.)

I would drink lots of tea.

I would write out all the creative things I would do.

(No good writing ever happened at gun point – Ann Handley)

I would – write about the tension between wanting to create and wanting people to read my work and the deeper knowledge that I just need to sit down and be where I am. I spend all my time aching and reaching to be someone I am not and I know it.

I would write a plan to make friends and then I would go and do it so that I had something to report back.

I would stop obsessively rereading my own work.

I would try to write fiction and I wouldn’t care how bad it is, I would just keep trying.

Maybe I would pray.

I would just take long walks. This would be my life. I would sing and not think about whether or not I could record it and have it sound as good as I think it does while I’m doing it.

I would lay down everything that gave me that stress that pulls one shoulder blade towards the other like a fish hook caught on a tree branch. I would not worry a wit. I would walk until I thought of something better to do, and I would explore, and I would take my time – 

I would take my time.

I wouldn’t worry when time passed without accomplishment. I would smile because I’m here. I would feel my feet on the ground and the cold wind on my skin and the weak winter sun on my face and I would bury my chin further down in my warm scarf. I would stop striving. I would run, but only for the joy of it.