Between Here and There, Part XIV

I don’t want to.

And it turns out to be a race to find out exactly how still I can sit, how calmly I can breathe while my thoughts spiral uselessly on misdirected mind highways.

I don’t want to.

But you know how good it feels to finish a task! Doing your schoolwork successfully is one of the best dopamine hits you’ve ever gotten!

There’s no way I can finish everything.

It might help to mention that I went to work for an hour this morning and remembered all at once that no, I wasn’t in between projects and able to easily skip out for schoolwork, but in fact my tech lead had nitpicks on my project that should take several hours to remedy. And also to remember that though I don’t have to pay rent next month, I am still not making any money by only spending an hour at work. And I am getting married in almost exactly two months.

But here is an essay I must write on the play Copenhagen, which discusses humans and their intentions and while my fingers tap, they might as well tap constructively.

If to do and to be is the greatest feeling, then why is it so difficult to get out of bed in the morning, why is it so difficult to embark upon good work, why am I paralyzed with fear about the amount of things I cannot do when all I can and should be doing is the one thing I committed to years ago?