homesick

I got a homesick heart but a long ways left to go

This always feels so true. Whenever I’m miserable, whenever I’m disappointed, whenever I’m down, I equate it with homesickness.

I grew up in a vaguely rural part of Virginia, and spend my first semester of college in Boston. I was in ROTC, tried to run cross country, and took on some rigorous academics. I was miserable. I wanted to go home, but home as I knew it wasn’t even an option, as my parents had just moved to Huntsville, Alabama.

So I gave up and got as close to home as I could. I came to Huntsville, lived with my parents, and went to a good but smaller school here. And life was better, but not complete.

I’ve been doing my part but I ain’t got much to show

So I’m asking you to show me some forgiveness

I was less stressed without ROTC and a ridiculous course load, but only vaguely happier.

I took my first collegiate spring break to go to a conference put on by Cru called Big Break, and there I committed my life to Christ. I actually signed a pledge Cru put together, that said I would go, do, say, and give what God wanted me to. My commitment was true but weak, as I spent the next summer, fall, and winter pursuing physical relationships with boys that had nothing to do with what God wanted, among other mishappenings.

It’s all for you in my pursuit of happiness

I guess I was trying to find happiness. Or something better than the feelings I had in Boston. I was enough of a mess in Boston that I would go on 12 mile runs to avoid schoolwork. I biked to the Harbor one weekend to go whale watching just because I didn’t want to be on campus. And when I got to Huntsville, I took a break for a semester, but then I dove right into finding good feelings in boys and relationships with little meaning.

Chasing that life, moving on ‘cause I had to prove

There ain’t no life worth doing what I did to you

So I’m asking you to show me some forgiveness

It’s all for you in my pursuit of happiness

This song doesn’t make much sense at face value. That one line: It’s all for you, in my pursuit of happiness. If you’re seeking your own happiness, you aren’t necessarily seeking the welfare of the other person. I hurt people while I was pursuing that other life. I hurt my family, because I ignored them and stressed out my mother when I didn’t come home at night. I hurt the guys I was seeing, knowing that each relationship wouldn’t last but pursuing it anyway.

God came for me.

I got dreams that keep me up in the dead of night

Telling me I wasn’t made for the simple life

There’s a light I see, but it’s far in the distance

The second year I went to Big Break, I was coming off a breakup which happened because a wise classmate of mine wouldn’t stop bothering me about what a terrible idea the relationship was. I was broken that week – but not by the ended relationship.

The thing about Big Break is not so much the loud worship every day or the awesome speakers that Cru brings in – although those are good things. The great part is getting to spend our whole spring break worshipping with other believers, spending significant time every day in prayer, and getting to sort life out with God.

I’m asking you to show me some forgiveness

It’s all for you in my pursuit of happiness

My first year of college I gave God my heart, and then I tried to take it back. The second year I gave him my life and asked him to remake it.

The weekend after my second Big Break, my future husband asked me on our first date. It hasn’t exactly been smooth sailing since then, but God is in loving pursuit. He knows every part of me, loves and has compassion on me, and will not give up on me. Jesus Christ, God in human form, died for me. I am forgiven, I am loved, I am redeemed and being remade.

I got a homesick heart, but now it’s not for Virginia. It’s for God’s kingdom. When things get rough, I look up and realize I tried to leave God behind. He’s my Father – and when I forget him I miss him. I get homesick.

Invite him in. Come home.